Marin minister is following a different path

THE REV. Jane Spahr is giving new meaning to the old saying, "Behind every great man is a great woman."
Spahr, a lesbian minister from San Rafael, is perhaps best known for performing same-sex ceremonies, an act of defiance that resulted in a church trial this month and a ground-breaking acquittal on the grounds that she rightly obeyed her conscience over the church's written constitution.

But she's had an unusual partner during the past 40 years who helped her come out to her husband and two children, begin preaching again after a church organization rebuked her for being a lesbian, and stood by her through church trials that have advanced gay rights: Her ex-husband, Jim.

"It's been an incredible journey," she says.

Their son Chet, now 36 years old and living in San Francisco, says the family was unusual not only because his mother was a lesbian, but that his parents got along so well. He says he and his brother couldn't enjoy the spoils of having divorced parents like some other kids did.

"We didn't have the advantage of playing them off each other," he says.

Jane Spahr, 63, and her identical twin sister, Joan, were born and raised in Pittsburgh. She says they had a wonderful childhood that included church on Sundays. Although the family wasn't particularly religious, Jane was.

When she was 7 or 8 years old, Jane would lie awake at night questioning Joan about where people went after they died. Then one night, Jane closed her eyes and felt light pass through her.

"I was plagued by it (death)," she says. "After that, I was at peace."

By the time Jane was a teenager, she says she acknowledged a persistent nudge toward God. That helped explain why, when Joan wanted toy pistols for Christmas, Jane asked for a manger.

"I've always felt it," she says.

At about age 15, she says her mom found a letter Jane had written to a girl. She says there was no mistake about the contents: she'd fallen in love.

Jane says she talked her way out of the incident with her mom, although she confided to Joan that she actually did like girls more than boys. Joan's reaction was pure shock, so Jane didn't bring it up again.

"None of us knew what it was," she says.

After high school, Jane enrolled in Boston University and began preaching as a freshman during morning services at a local church. She dated boys to satisfy her mother - but dated women for her own sake.

"I would have conversations with God and ask how this is so wrong if it feels so right," she says. "You can't ignore it."

Jane transferred to Penn State so she could follow an interest in world religions such as Hinduism and Buddhism. During freshman year, she met Jim and, from the start, she was upfront about her prior relationships with women.

"He was never judgmental," she says.

Jane and Jim dated through her senior year and she graduated in 1964. That same year, they got married in an enormous wedding that included 400 guests, 12 bride's maids - and culminated with Joan announcing that her boyfriend had just proposed.

"It was something," Jane says.

The newly married couple moved to San Diego because Jim, who served in the Navy, was deployed to Vietnam for the war. While he was away, and with his encouragement, Jane enrolled in the San Francisco Theological Seminary School in San Anselmo.

Jane and Jim moved back and forth between California and Pittsburgh several times in the late 1960s and early 1970s. They had two boys during that time and, in 1974, she became an ordained minister.

"Being a woman in the ministry was a big deal," she says.

Jane spent about a year working alongside the Rev. Wanda Harris, who at the time was working toward becoming a minister. Jane says Wanda was a legend in inner city Pittsburgh who taught her how to preach with her whole body and give herself over to an audience.

Despite a family life that include a husband and two sons, Jane says she was still struggling with her sexuality. It was so difficult that she shied away from physical contact with any women, including something as simple as a hug from Wanda.

"You get to a point where you don't want to touch people in case you feel something," she says.

Jane and Wanda became incredible friends during their year together in 1975, so close that she confided in Wanda about being more attracted to women than men.

"She said she knew. And," Jane says, "what was I going to do for God."

Jane says Wanda was instrumental in helping her accept herself as a woman who was attracted to women, and as a minister who still loved God. Jane and Wanda remain great friends, and Jane even performed Wanda's marriage ceremony.

Jane and Jim returned to California during the fall of 1975 and settled in San Rafael. Jim opened a business, and Jane began working with youth groups at First Presbyterian Church of San Rafael. It was about that time that Jim gave her a book titled "Loving Someone Gay."

They didn't confront the issue until Jane was invited to speak at a national church conference about oppressive societies and how that related to homosexuality.

At that conference, Jane, who was there to speak about the difficulties of being a woman minister, met the first openly gay man in the United Church of Christ and the first Episcopalian priest who was openly gay. Hearing their speeches was a revolution.

"I thought my heart was going to burst from my chest," she says. "I heard me."

Jane says she hurried home as quickly as possible and, during a phone call, came out to Jim that she was a lesbian. He said he'd been waiting for years to hear her admit it.

"We wept in relief," she says.

Jim says he was on his way home from a business trip and can still remember the exact motel in Livermore where the call took place. Even though he'd known for quite some time, he says it wasn't easy because being gay in the 1970s was not socially acceptable.

"I cried my way back to San Rafael," he says. "It was the end of the dream."

That night, while sitting at the dinner table, Jim asked Jane to share her good news with their sons. The eldest, Jimmy, patted her hand, saying all that mattered was her ability to love. Chet, the youngest, wanted to immediately share the news with everyone at church.

Jane says she and Jim continued to live together for a few months, unsure what they were supposed to do with themselves as a couple and parents.

They eventually broke the news to their families, with Jim backing her up all the way, but none of them could grasp the idea. Jim's father flew to California as a representative of all four parents charged with getting to the bottom of the situation, but there was nothing he could do to change things.

"Jim was my advocate," she says. "We had really thought this through."

For his part, Jim dismisses the idea that he could be anything other than supportive of Jane. He says that during their 13 years together, he realized she was the most compassionate and loving person he'd ever met. Being a lesbian didn't change that.

"I knew she was going to be facing some hard times," he says. "You're darned right I was her advocate."

Jane left her position as assistant pastor at First Presbyterian Church of San Rafael, took a job as executive director of the Oakland Council of Presbyterian Church and, along with her children, moved in with a woman.

Jane says the council oversaw an incredibly diverse congregation that was open and accepting of a number of different races. But as soon as church officials found out about her relationship with the woman, they confronted her by saying her lifestyle was threatening to break up the council.

"I said I have to do this work," Jane says. "If I can't do it here, I'll do it somewhere else."

Jane resigned, moved back to San Rafael with the boys and began working at a senior citizen center. Unbeknownst to her, Jim had contacted Metropolitan Community Church of San Francisco, which is nestled deep in the heart of the Castro District.

"I said you need to hear her preach," Jim says.

MCC officials invited Jane to preach one morning and bring Jim and both boys. Upon their entrance, the entire congregation stood to its feet and clapped.

"I looked out and there were all these queer people," she says. "They were like me."

Jane spent the next two years, from 1980-82, working at MCC. During that time, Jim kept going to church in San Rafael, where he received his own contact with homophobia.

"I'd sit down and a few people would move," he says. "They thought I was gay."

Jim says their divorce became final in 1977, when he was selling life, health and disability insurance. One of his biggest clients was the U.S. Coast Guard.

He says one day his contact at the Coast Guard saw an article about Jane in the paper regarding her departure from the Oakland church organization, asked him whether that was his wife and, upon confirmation, terminated their contract. That, he says, was a turning point.

"I turned around, walked out and never went back," Jim says.

Chet backs up his father's dedication by recalling stories such as the time when his father had two lesbian roommates. He says Jim always pushed the idea of acceptance.

"I don't even think mom was with us one year when we marched in the gay parade," he says.

Both Jim and Jane say the early 1980s was a profound time for them. She was preaching in the Castro District, he was selling millions of dollars worth of insurance there - and they both were coming into direct contact with what would ultimately become AIDS.

"Then I started giving out benefits," he says. "I was going to a memorial service every other week."

Jane returned to San Rafael in 1982 to start Ministry of Light - now called Spectrum - to promote acceptance, understanding, and full inclusion of lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders. Years later, after she also helped found the Marin AIDS Project and Marin AIDS Interfaith Network, Jane would be inducted into the Marin Women's Hall of Fame for her work against AIDS and homophobia.

The year 1982 was also a big year for Jim. He married his current last [ed] wife, Jackie, in a ceremony conducted by Jane. Jackie and Jane had been friends at First Presbyterian Church of San Rafael.

"I've married very well twice," Jim says. "Both times above my station."

These days, Jane is employed by Westminister Presbyterian Church in Tiburon, and she remains great friends with Jim and Jackie.

When Jane went through a particularly traumatic breakup with a longtime partner, she showed up heartbroken at Jim and Jackie's home along with her dog PooBear. Jim says they took her in for a few months, although he somewhat begrudgingly for one reason:

"That dog," he says. "I thought I got rid of it when we divorced."

Jim has continued to stand behind Jane over the years during her battles against homophobia.

He supported her in 1991 when the highest Presbyterian court in the nation ruled against her becoming a co-pastor at a church in New York, and both he and Jackie were at her trial this month in Santa Rosa.

"Do I wish this away?" Jim says. "Heavens no."
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